I have always kept a journal in my teenage years. Now with so much technology I decided I am going to do my journaling through a blog. It is o.k. because nobody knows who I am and it is a little blog so it won't even come up on the search engine.
I have been torn for so many years about the things that I can not change. Is torn the word I want to use? Maybe it should be stressed, worried, obsessed to name a few. I consider myself a caring, understanding and loving friend. I am dedicated to friendships and put them before myself. My downfall is that when it comes to friends I don't have one that I could call up and just blast my problems too. Or one that I could call and say "hey do you want to go to the mall". Sad thing is that the friends I think I have, are the ones that I have to initiate an invite. I can think of several of my friends that I have only been at their house once and another not at all. After a while, you just get tired of trying. I am out of my mind wondering what it is that I did. Why can't I just have one? I am so envious of relationships of other people. I want that! I deserve that! However, I do not have that.
Now this brings me to the part of feeling no self worth. I am in my forties and at this time in my life, friends should be established and worries should not even be an issue.
This affects my everyday life...and I don't know what to do anymore. I even have to say it is causing problems in my marriage. Which is another issue all together. I would consider my husband my best friend! As of yesterday, I think he is at a breaking point with me. I don't blame him!
However, he is my husband, shouldn't he be the one to listen and help fix the things that are broken. Our massive argument started out yesterday, simply do to our so called friends. In the end, it turned ugly and I somehow came out as the bad guy. My husband pointed out the obvious. I can not keep a relationship with any women? Hmmm, for once he was right! I have been pondering this question all night....Why, can't I have a great relationship with my friends?
Here are my thoughts: I focus on it way to much! But does anyone want to be the friend that is on the outside. NO! We all want to feel included and wanted. Is it to much to ask? Why can't someone care for me as much as I care for them?
Really all I want...and it is very minimal, a friend who....
If I could have just one...I would be able to call and talk about anything and they would listen happily. Visa versa! To feel that someone cares and that I mean something in their life. Just one....that's all I ask! Just one!
This isn't the end of this story. My quest is to find that peace in myself to know my self worth on my own. I have to say that I have been asking God, why and what did I deserve to deserve this. I pray, I go to church (not as often as I should), I try to live a Godly life...but I still ask this question. I have prayed so many times over the years for God to give me a friend. Strange I know....but is it wrong for me to be so shallow to ask for just that.
At this point in time...my life goes on. Some days thoughts race in my mind. Would I be missed if I were no longer on this earth. That would be an easy out...but then I snap back to reality. Am I depressed? Should I be taking medication? Is there others that are going through the same thing? So many questions so little answers. Counseling or no counseling?
Sometimes I feel like I am in a box and I am desperately trying to get out.
The story goes on....my journey to peace and happiness! I pray I find it soon!
